I had a couple weeks, where everything in my life seemed nearly managable. I knew my depression was there, I knew my anxiety was there, and I knew that I still wasn’t sleeping great. But everything seemed like I was getting a hold of it. I was getting up in a morning, I was doing little jobs. I passed my first year of university. I may not have always wanted to get out of bed, I may have had to drag myself out, but I actually managed to do it.
I managed to put on a smile for everybody, and pretend I was ok, until I did kind of feel ok.
And then it came crashing down on me. Whenever I’m having a good week, in the back of my mind, I’m always a little scared. I’m scared that I’ll wake up one day feeling worse than ever. I’m scared that I’ll be out somewhere and a panic attack will hit me. I’m scared that my brain will decide to stop being ok for a minute.
And I guess it has.
I’m not even sure when I started feeling really down again. I was just sat reading a book one day, when a text came through, and I turned my phone off to ignore it because I couldn’t deal with people. I noticed that I was crying for no reason again – and I don’t mean the odd tear, I mean sobbing in a ball in my room. I noticed that I didn’t want to interact with people, and I felt cruel when I was replying with short answers because I’m just not in the mood anymore. I noticed that I was struggling more and more to get out of bed. I noticed, that I couldn’t push past my depression this time.
It’s weird. I feel so lonely. I know my that my friends and family would be there if I ask them. But I still can’t help feeling so alone. I can’t help feeling like I’m losing my mind. I can’t help but feel annoyed at myself because all I want to do is enjoy my summer. I don’t want to be sat in my room sobbing for hours into endless tissues, to the point where my face is red and swollen. I don’t want to be sat there, afraid I’ll go back to hurting myself because somehow that at least makes me feel something!
I can’t help feeling, that sometimes people just don’t understand. I can’t just think happy thoughts and I’ll be fine. I can’t just sleep it off. And I can’t ‘just stop being so negative and down’. It doesn’t work like that unfortunately.
I’m 21 now, I’m an adult, and I need to get on with my life. But sometimes it feels nearly impossible when my mind is like this.
I know that, in a week or two, my mind might clear a little, and I might actually see a way past this. I also know, that sometimes this lasts a long time and I may not feel better in a couple weeks. But right now, I’m sat on my bed crying.
This is what depression can be like. I plaster on a smile for everyone around me, I pretend I’m ok – and sometimes I even believe it – when actually, my mind is a constant blur of either 100 different emotions at once, or none at all.
Somedays, I’m the happy person that laughs, sometimes I’m also that ‘negative depressed’ person who cries.
Most days, I’m both.