I have depression.
I HAVE DEPRESSION!
It’s something my close friends and family know. But it isn’t something we really really discuss. I tell people ‘yes I feel depressed but I’m fine’.
I’m Not Fine.
I thought that maybe if I told myself I was ok then I would be ok. But actually it doesn’t help. It doesn’t work at all. If anything, it makes it worse. I hate myself. I really hate myself.
I met up with school friends for a meal this week and I felt so detached. I interacted with them and I probably laughed along with them, but I can’t really remember. I can’t remember because my mind is a constant hazy mess.
I was at university today and I was chatting with my friends and I didn’t realise how disengaged I was until they started laughing about what we were talking about and I realised I was the only one not laughing. So what did I do? I forced myself to laugh along with them. I think I acted pretty well, because if they knew I was force laughing they didn’t say anything. But then people with depression become the best actors.
This evening, just before I wrote this I felt so anxious and down that I couldn’t eat at all. I tried to force my dinner down that my mum had spent time cooking, and because I felt hungry but I found I couldn’t swallow. I found myself feeling sick if I tried to actually eat the food infront of me.
I don’t know what is making me feel so bad. I feel stupid admitting it. I feel stupid now writing this. I feel as though I’m being so dramatic, and as I think this I get a crushing feeling in my chest that tells me I am overreacting. It tells me I am just being stupid and that if I do admit this, people will judge me or think I’m being stupid.
So I keep quiet.
But the truth is, I’m not fine at all. I am anything but fine. I find myself wishing that my bus would crash on the way to university so I don’t have to feel this crushing feeling of emptiness and pain. And reading this as I type it, I see at how dramatic it looks. I feel myself getting angry at myself because I sound so pathetic. But it is true. I feel empty but I also feel so much. I feel a constant tightness in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I feel a constant anger at myself and the world. If I’m not left alone at home in my room, I get so angry when it isn’t needed but I just want to be left alone! I feel angry at myself when I can’t stop the tears on an evening. I feel angry when I look in the mirror in a morning and realise that my face is all puffy because I cried myself to sleep again. It makes me hate when I look at myself in the mirror full stop. I hate the fact that I have scars on my body from when I’ve become weak and couldn’t find anything else to do then hurt myself.
I feel sad, and that’s an understatement but I don’t know how else to explain it. I think the sadness is linked with the empty feeling. The lonliness. But I don’t think I can explain it fully.
I try to look for a reason as to why I feel depressed. But the more I look the more frustrated I become because I can’t find one. Truth is, I don’t really have a reason. I am studying in a university that I love. I’m on a course that I love. I’ve made the lovliest friends since starting univeristy. I have some of my best friends by my side that I’ve known through primary and high school, and a friend I made in college. All of who support me. All of who are my friends and would be there if I asked. Just like I would be for them.
Yeah I have had experiences in my life which have made my depression worse. And no, I haven’t fully gotten over them yet. But time is the healer, and I know that, so they don’t bother me like they used to.
This kind of depression is different. This kind of depression doesn’t need a reason. This type of depression makes me feel like there’s no way out. It makes me forget what being happy even feels like.
People tell me to be strong and push my way through this. That I need to man up and get on with my life. Thing is, is that they don’t realise that I am being strong because I am still here. I haven’t stood in the middle of the road with a bus heading towards me like I’ve thought about doing. I have carried on with my life and I’m getting on with university.
I have depression. And no, I’m not ok.